Torture Of Info Ham

Torchwood episode 2×10 – “From Out Of The Rain”

Episode grade: C-

We’re in the middle of a field somewhere. A dude with full Ringmaster regalia (top hat, twirly mustache, extremely scary voice; the works) is doing the whole “Roll up! Roll up!” thing, and keeps repeating the phrase “a once in a lifetime show”. I’m getting some slightly villainous vibes off this guy, I don’t know what it is. We pan around to see what you’ll find in this once in a lifetime show, and there’s fire-jugglers, a strongman and some horrible cross between a mime and a clown. Well, not sleeping tonight! The old-timey nature of all this, along with the clothes of the audience members, is hinting that we’re probably in the past right now. A woman and a little girl hesitate at the entrance, and the Ringmaster hands the girl a ticket in a creepy way. The little girl walks into the show, and suddenly everything; circus performance, audience, Ringmaster, signs and all, everything vanishes. Except for the hesitant woman, who is left standing alone in an empty field in shock. Eerie music plays.

Moo, The Bride’s Wrong

Torchwood Episode 2×09 – “Something Borrowed”

Episode grade: D

Previously, on Torchwood: Gwen agreed to marry Rhys because quote “No one else will have me”. They play that scene back to us at the start, because I guess they want to be sure we remember that this wedding is a terrible, terrible idea. I really didn’t need the reminder, but thanks anyway!

A subtitle tells us it’s Friday night. We’re in a nightclub with garish disco lights flashing everywhere and Scissors Sisters playing. A bunch of women in uniform red T-shirts and fluffy pink cowboy hats dance around drunkenly. “It’s the service she’s meant to be late for, not her hen do!” one of them announces. Gwen arrives soon after this, and they all sing some dirty version of “Here Comes The Bride” including a line about ‘taking it up the aisle’. Yep. Gwen excuses her lateness with work-related shit, of course.

Heady Head Taint

Torchwood Episode 2×08 – “A Day In The Death”

Episode grade: A-

Owen stands in the middle of a street, looking grim and serious, as all around him the world goes by in rewind. Or maybe those people are all just walking backwards, in fast-forward. “My name is Dr. Owen Harper,” he says, “and I am a zombie alcoholic.” No, wait, “and this is my life.” I don’t see anyone waiting to jump out with a big red book anywhere. “A life that is full of action, and violence, and work, and wonder. Secrets, and sex, and love, and heartbreak.” Each of these eight pillars of Owenosity is illustrated with a quick flash of a scene from a previous episode, I’m not going to bother identifying them except to note that ‘wonder’ is attached to the magic date rape spray from way back in the first episode. Gross. Oh, and heartbreak is attached to the actual literal ‘heartbreak’ caused by a bullet ripping through it, hee. “And death,” he adds, which was probably what that one was supposed to go with, but they really timed it badly in that case. “My death. The death I survived. The death I am now living through.” And we’re back to the backwards street again.

Damn Waking Lead

Torchwood Episode 2×07 – “Dead Man Walking”

Episode grade: C-

Owen lies on the operating table in the medical room, hole in his chest, turning rather pale. Yep, he’s still dead. Martha, speaking into a microphone, tells us that the time is 21:30, and she’s Dr. Martha Jones, ready to perform autopsy on Owen Harper, caucasian, age 27. Why exactly do they need to perform an autopsy when he got shot in the chest, and they all saw it? Look, there’s the bullet wound, right there! See it? That big gaping hole in his chest? “Time of death witnessed at approximately 20:30″. So it’s been an hour since the end of the last episode. Martha sure has made a quick recovery from having an alien critter on the verge of bursting out of her insides in the style of, y’know, Alien. Ianto, Gwen and Tosh hang out on the balcony in varying states of disgust and distress. Martha picks up a great honking bonesaw and prepares to begin the autopsy, but just then, Jack bursts in and yells “Stop! Nobody touches him until I get back, is that clear?” Without waiting for an answer, he’s off again. Martha’s like, “Great, I got all this surgical gear on for nothing.”

Trees

Torchwood Episode 2×06 – “Reset”

Episode grade: C+

Someone’s running in the dark. Through… is that a greenhouse? Strange. This someone is running in a weird, jerky, shoulder-jumpy kind of way, which is the signature move of the Weevils, so I guess it’s one of them. It’s being chased by people with torches and guns; probably Torchwood. It’s really damn dark. The Weevil growls straight at the camera, demonstrating to all and sundry that it is most definitely a Weevil. A couple of the Torchwood silhouettes catch up to it and shine their torches at it, but it runs away, and the torches are left shining on the body of a bald man that the Weevil had previously been concealing. Owen runs into the torchlight to check the body. “He’s dead,” he reports.

Mad, A

Torchwood Episode 2×05 – “Adam”

Episode grade: A

Side note! As previously noted, I’ve been watching a lot of Smallville lately, and obviously, reading the TWoP recaps goes hand in hand with this, particularly since Omar G is probably the funniest recapper they have over there. (Seriously, whether or not you watch the show, you don’t want to miss this one.) Now, one of his things is that every recap contains the sentence “It’s the Gayest Look of the Episode”, or some variation of this. Obviously, with a show as out and proud as Torchwood, this wouldn’t really work, so I shall instead, by way of tribute, and because it amuses me, be looking out for the Subtextiest Look of the Episode, i.e. the most sexually charged (non-gender specific) look that is not intentionally that way. OK? Let’s get on with it, then, because this episode kicks all kinds of buttocks.

Damp Squib

Doctor Who Episode 3×07 – “42″

Episode grade: F

Now that Martha’s finally earned herself official Companion status, she gets another “frequent flier’s privilege”; the ol’ magic mobile phone upgrade. She finds it a little hard to believe that she can now call anyone, anywhere, any time, but unlike Rose, she doesn’t need to immediately test out the new functionality to make sure it works. I guess she’s had rather more time to develop trust in the Doctor; back in his Time War-ravaged Nine state, he was giving it out to just anybody. Also, the TARDIS is crash-landing, which is probably kind of distracting. Martha and the Doctor step outside to see where she’s taken them today; it’s one of those huge spaceships that looks like a big industrial refinery or somesuch. It’s also really, really hot in there, according to the Doctor, and to illustrate this, we’re going to be shining orange lights in everybody’s faces for the next hour or so.

What It Means To Be Human

Doctor Who Episode 3×06 – “The Lazarus Experiment”

Episode grade: B

The TARDIS zips through the time vortex. The Doctor twiddles his knobs and levers, as per usual, and declares it a “perfect landing”. Martha’s excited to find out where he’s taken her this time. The Doctor more or less spells it out; “The end of the line. No place like it.”, but Martha doesn’t follow his fiendish riddles, which I believe puts her in a state known as ‘denial’. Martha opens the door and steps outside, into her bedroom. She’s not impressed. Well, you left it that way, love. The Doctor tells her it’s just twelve hours after the moment they left. “But… all the stuff we’ve done!” Martha complains, “Shakespeare! New New York! Old New York!” The Doctor thinks, or at least pretends to think, that she’s just in disbelief that so little time has passed in the real world, and assures her it’s true. See, but last time he said that, it turned out a whole year had passed, so I don’t know why he’s so sure of himself. “So, back where you were. As promised.” Martha still can’t believe it’s over. The Doctor starts to say he should be heading off now, but he’s interrupted by the phone ringing.

Tame

Torchwood Episode 2×04 – “Meat”

Episode grade: B

Car interior. The radio is blasting out a catchy jingle about a lorry firm called ‘Harwood’s Haulage’, and in the driver’s seat, Rhys is gleefully singing along. “You won’t be sorry/With a Harwood’s lorry!” His phone starts ringing, and he law-abidingly pulls over and parks at the side of the road before answering it. He asks ‘Ruth’ if she heard the jingle and proudly proclaims that he wrote the last bit. As it turns out, Ruth isn’t calling about that; there’s been an accident of some kind, and Rhys says he’ll get right over there now.

That Emo Slant

Torchwood Episode 2×03 – “To The Last Man”

Episode grade: C

Open from a weird perspective looking up from the bottom of an elaborate old timey staircase. At the top of the stairs, a man dressed in a big tweed jacket and tie asks a woman with blonde hair cropped in a tight bun, who is currently hurrying down the stairs if she’s “getting anything” from the big box she’s holding. She tells him to “hold on a tick” and shuffles down a few more steps, then says “yes”, though with her exceedingly proper Queen’s English, it sounds almost like “years”. Do you think we might be non-present day here? I think we might be non-present day.