So naturally it must be shat all over as much as possible, in the most horrendous way. The chainsaw stalls. But it’s all OK, because though Rhys can’t give Gwen what she needs, Jack is here with his massive cock to save the day. Sorry, did I say cock? I meant gun. I don’t know how that happened. It’s really the most sickeningly symbolic sequence you could ever hope to see. Also, after blasting Bride of Teeth into tiny pieces, Jack says “How’s that for a shape-shift?”
And it’s only going to get worse from there. Jack tells Rhys that the “Evil Dead thing” looks pretty good on him, and then helps Gwen to her feet, and she practically starts mating with him right there. Jack has to forcibly direct her to Rhys, saying “The hero always gets the girl”. After he’s just come in and heroically saved the day. Why do you put up with this, Rhys? It can’t be worth it, I swear. Gwen gets a look of surprise, like she’s just realised Rhys is in the room with them, and apologises, saying she’s messed everything up, and asks Rhys if he still wants to marry her. I don’t make these looks up, honestly.
The wedding carries on from where they left off. “I, Gwen… Elizabeth [here she gives Jack a ‘don’t you dare make fun of this’ look, as if this is in any way an embarrassing name, because even while she is literally in the process of giving her wedding vows to Rhys, it is All. About. Jack.] Cooper, do take thee, Rhys Allyn Williams, to be my lawful wedded husband.” She does. He does. Terrible decisions, both of them.
Aaand, the after party. There’s a DJ, and lights and suchlike going, so I guess Mervin’s death really hasn’t cast any kind of shadow on this wedding at all. That’s really respectful of everyone. Owen offers Tosh the chance to see the dead man dance, which she happily accepts. Rhys and Gwen are dancing, Jack asks if he can cut in. Rhys says “Why not, I’m danced off my feet,” because she’s married him now, so that means he has nothing to worry about, right? Jack tells Gwen to enjoy the honeymoon, she says she will and asks what he’s going to do while she’s gone. Hey, how come Jack gets a break from Gwen and I don’t? That’s not karmically sound! While Gwen is gone, Jack will do the following; “The usual.” “Pizza.” “Ianto.” Jack and Gwen both share a hearty chuckle at that last one, because it’s just fucking hilarious how he is using Ianto for sex and doesn’t give two shits about his feelings, because Ianto is not Gwen, and he is not Jack, and nobody in the world matters to either of them unless they are Gwen or Jack. Gwen and Jack, Jack and Gwen, dancing forever over the hopes and dreams and souls of all who cross their paths, and all shall willingly prostrate themselves and kiss their feet, for their lives are blessed forever by the slightest touch. How could anything possibly be considered evil in a world that also contains Gwen and Jack? Jack and Gwen. Forever and ever and ever and ever. Amen.
April 9, 2009 at 10:30 am
I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.