A phone sits on a messy floor and rings. Rhys, lying on a sofa and looking distinctly hungover, answers it and suddenly snaps awake when he realises it’s Gwen. He throws a book at another sofa-sleeping chap to wake him up, and tells Gwen that “Banana Boat is on the phone to the florist right now.” Here’s another thing we have to deal with; as far as I can discern, Rhys’s best man’s actual name is ‘Banana Boat’. How irritating is that? I hate him already, and all he’s done is lie there. Gwen tells Rhys that she needs to see him, Rhys cheerily tells her that’s bad luck before the wedding, then remembers who he’s talking to and goes deadly serious. “What’s happened?”
Hub. Tosh asks how Gwen’s doing, Owen sighs that she’s going ahead with the wedding. “Which is fine,” Jack says, and NO IT FUCKING ISN’T! “As long as she doesn’t go into labour at the altar.” And since you don’t know shit about the species that impregnated her, that, along with hundreds of other far worse outcomes, ARE A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY. I can accept Gwen acting this way, because it’s well documented that pregnant women, women getting married and Gwen all three have a habit of not acting rationally, but the rest of you should have more sense than to indulge her in this! Anyway, Jack gives out orders. Ianto, go get Gwen a new dress to accommodate her bulge, Tosh, do some science. Oh, and go to the wedding early and keep an eye on Gwen.
Wedding shop. There’s a infamous “Fatal Attractions Bridal Centre” in my home town, and I really think they should all have that name. It is a work of genius. Ianto looks at some dresses, and there are some wacky fucking hijinks because the camp shop assistant doesn’t believe Ianto when he says he’s buying for a friend.
Gwen’s place. Rhys is pissed off about the situation, as you might expect, and decides to direct his anger at Jack, which Gwen tells him off for, because it’s not actually his fault. Not directly, anyway. “It’s not like he didn’t know you were getting married today, why the hell did he have to send you out?” Rhys demands. “BECAUSE IT’S MY JOB!” Gwen roars. Awkward silence. Rhys asks if she’s going to be OK. Gwen says yes, “Owen’s got this machine, uh…” and for some reason she looks just utterly lost right now. Rhys takes a deep breath and tells her he’ll get Banana (OH GOD, WHY) to start calling people up, say Gwen is ill or something. It’s a sensible plan, with a few flaws, like presumably her family will want to see her in hospital if she’s so ill she can’t attend her own wedding, but I imagine it’s the best they’ll come up with on such short notice, so naturally, they’re not going to go with that one. Because Gwen says it’s wrong, and you should never, never defy the bride, even if her actions are potentially endangering herself and quite possibly every single one of her wedding guests, and perhaps the entire world. No, sir. Rhys tells her to forget the money, forget their plans, none of it matters as long as she’s OK. “IT MATTERS TO ME!” Gwen… I’m gonna go with ‘brays’. She sounds like a donkey. It’s a little scary. She cries and tells Rhys that all she wants to do today, whatever happens, is marry him. They hug. It’s a little awkward, on account of her huge stomach bulge.
April 9, 2009 at 10:30 am
I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.