Gwen’s got herself a room upstairs. Rhys comes in, and Gwen all in a panic, tells him “This isn’t going to work, Rhys, we haven’t thought this through properly.” Oh, heavens no, Gwen, I think you’ve done an outstanding job with it! It’s finally occurred to her that if she tells people she’s going to have a baby, they’re going to be expecting a baby. “I can’t tell them I’ve lost a baby, they’re going to be devastated!” It’s certainly a good job you thought of this before you told anyone, huh? Hmm. Rhys thinks they’re going to have to tell the truth, but Gwen is not OK with that plan. She doesn’t have any better ones, but dammit, Rhys, what are you thinking?! Gwen gets a phone call. It’s Jack. Rhys gives a little eyeroll when he hears this, heh. Jack says that Tosh in on her way over now, “call it moral support”. Gwen offended, tells him she doesn’t need a babysitter, and then Rhys grabs the phone and tells Jack they don’t need him at all, and he’s already done enough to fuck up the wedding as it is. Jack tries to congratulate him on the awesome prize of being married to Gwen because quote “no one else will have [her]“, but Rhys hangs up on him before he can get it out. Gwen chides Rhys for being rude and tells him again that it’s not Jack’s fault.
Downstairs, more guests are arriving. A couple of the girls from Gwen’s hen night and a fairly nondescript guy. Great, great, the more minor characters that will never appear again after tonight the better. As per usual when this kind of thing happens, if they’re not named within thirty seconds of their first appearance, I’m just going to assign one myself. Today I’ll follow Banana’s lead and go with a fruit theme, what the hell. “This is nice, in’t it, Trina?” says Apple. Trina agrees, and then the two of them titter about the unlikelihood of “Mervin” ever finding a girl “drunk enough to marry [him].” Mervin fake laughs and talks shit that I do not and will never care about. Banana arrives to greet him and join in on this. Mervin looks at Trina and Apple and says the following. “I’m up for a bit of a Mervin sandwich later.” It is, for real, the least banal line of dialogue that will be uttered for about ten minutes. Tosh walks in, carrying a huge box. “Cor, you’ve got a big box,” says Banana. YOU SEE?! He attempts to flirt with her, Tosh is absolutely not buying what he’s selling. She carries the box upstairs and calls down that she’s “intolerant of [chemical name]“, or in English, “Bananas make me vomit.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Fucking. Ha. This is the worst. Just the absolute worst. There is no way this scene could be any worse. None.
Banana looks nonplussed and heads to the bar, where Mervin is eyeing up a woman who is really reminding me of Tracy-Ann Cyberman (AKA Yvonne), and vice versa. (I mean, she’s eyeing up Mervin, too, not I remind her of Tracy-Ann Cyberman. I assume.) He rubs his sweaty hand together gleefully and says “A looker like you must be on the bride’s side.” I can see why, uh, Pomegranate would be attracted to such a bastion of wit and intellect.
April 9, 2009 at 10:30 am
I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.