I’ve thought about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that The Apprentice is bar none, my favourite television programme of all time. Not just my favourite reality show, which goes without saying, but in fact it is better than any comedy or drama you could care to name. At time it’s got all the comedy, at times it’s got all the drama, sometimes it’s inspirational, sometimes it makes me angry at the state of the world, and you never know which kind of episode you’re going to get until it’s over. Sometimes you get all four at once. It’s exciting.
Right now, I get to watch it three times a week, because the Irish version, the American version and the British version are all running simultaneously. I’m so happy. I might post some words about the other two versions later, but for now, here is a recap of the definitive version of
The Apprentice episode 6×01 – “Bangers”
Episode Grade: A-
“There’s absolutely nothing mediocre about me. I’m supremely intelligent, ambitious… I am an all around gifted individual.” Ah, Apprenti, how I have missed your humility. That one’s Chris, but as usual, these opening soundbites are so loaded with cliché that it doesn’t actually matter who is speaking. Melissa, the most visually interesting candidate with her scene haircut and glasses, is “charismatic”, “intelligent”, “a damn good business woman” and “unbeatable”. Stuart Baggs™, who has distilled the very essence of the typical Apprentice cockiness, mixed it in with two parts Alan Partridge, and somehow produced PURE GOLD, considers himself an absolutely fantastic salesman – “Everything I touch turns to sold,” he says. That’s fantastic, it really is. It’s a clever play on words, except for the clever part – he has changed nothing of the actual meaning of the original phrase, he’s just made it more grammatically dubious. “Everything I touch turns to sold.” That’s just precious. Alex claims to consider himself a maverick, and not just a corporate clone, but I don’t feel like his heart is in it. Liz opts for the ‘youthful and adaptable’ tack. Shibby makes a pretty credible attempt to claim Stuart Baggs™’s award for the most ridiculous opening soundbite by claiming that his first word “wasn’t mummy, it was money”, and he says it with a little smile on his face like he’s really proud of coming up with it. Think about that for a second.
That’s enough soundbites, time to big up Lord Sir Alan Sugar and his exciting new title and show us a bunch of clips from future episodes that one could scrutinize in great detail to determine when certain candidates will or will not be fired ahead of time, if one was that way inclined. Skipping over that, obviously.
It’s midnight, and LSAS has called the assorted Apprenti to the boardroom to test their brownnosing credentials by telling terrible jokes and seeing who laughs convincingly. “I’ve read all of your CVs. On paper, you all look very good, but then again, so does fish and chips.” That one doesn’t even make sense. There’s a bit of blah blah recessioncakes, then it’s straight on with the exciting first twist – this year, they don’t get the traditional meet and greet garden party, they’re getting down to business right here, right now. The candidates will be working through the night making sausages, ready to sell in the morning. LSAS introduces his Viceroys, Nick Hewer and new addition Karen Brady, who has the unenviable task of trying to fill Margaret’s shoes. Nick will be following the “ladies” team, and Karen will follow the “gentlemen”. I get that the ‘girls’ and ‘boys’ thing he usually does is kind of demeaning, but somehow this is even worse to me. “It’s sink or swim,” LSAS adds, “and as you’ve probably picked up by now, I don’t do life jackets.” Shibby manages a weak smile, no one can muster up a laugh.
October 13, 2010 at 8:35 pm |
You missed out the best part about the food miles, which was ‘Ours has… lots and lots less!’ Knowing your prodcut.
This week’s reveals, once again, that I cannot bear to watch pitches.